The famous lyrics of the Blame Canada song from the 1999 South Park movie state clearly the differences between Americans and Canadians: “Blame Canada! It seems that everything's gone wrong, since Canada came along. Blame Canada! Blame Canada! They're not even a real country anyway.”
Such are the beliefs of most common Americans when viewing the large, though mostly empty of inhabitants, country to their north. When looked at from the other direction, Canadians see Americans as rather unfriendly to their neighbors, uneducated, violent, with bad health care and education systems, but good movies. How does one come to terms with the disparate viewpoints? How do the two countries of relatively the same size reach an agreement so that the war (depicted so artfully in the Trey Stone and Matt Parker movie) never happens? First, the differences must be understood, for in understanding comes compassion, in compassion comes empathy, in empathy comes a mutual love of bacon and beer.
2. Size of Citizens: Americans are the most obese country in the world, with approximately 34% of their citizens obese (over 60% are overweight). Canada is the 11th most obese country with about 24% of their people obese and 55% overweight. Fast food is popular for the citizens of both countries, but it's particularly obvious when you try to sit next to an American on an airplane.
3. Currency: Both countries use their version of the dollar. Americans call their dollars dollars - makes sense doesn’t it? Canadians call their $1 a loonie and $2 a toonie - they have an inordinate love of Bugs Bunny as well. No one is really sure why.
4. Head of Government: Canadians have a Prime Minister and a system similar to the British government structure (they are still part of the British Commonwealth); Americans have a President because their founding fathers wanted to create a system different than the British after the Revolutionary War of 1776 - Canadians like the Queen, Americans like Queen.
5. Crime: Americans are obsessed with crime movies and (of course there is no connection) have the 68th highest crime rate per capita in the world. Canadians love American crime shows and have the 87th highest crime rate in the world. Both countries have lots of guns, though Canadians prefer shooting at targets, while Americans prefer shooting at each other.
6. Alphabet: A) Canadians say zed, Americans say zee, neither is sure exactly how to say x. B) Canadians love the letter U and in typical British fashion (see number 4) use the letter U willy-nilly as in honour, labour and valour. C) Canadians speak English, Americans speak American - there are innumerable differences that can and do fill dictionaries. One of the most notable differences is that Americans cannot spell: gonna woulda shoulda ain’t!
9. Law Enforcement: Canadians have Mounties and no they don’t always wear red and ride horses; Americans have police/cops/pigs and no they don’t smell like bacon. Americans love police brutality (just watch YouTube) and Canadians love Mountie jokes.
10. Health Care: Canadians have and love their national health care system. In fact, they use it regularly and freely. American right wing politicians tell their constituents that Canadians hate their system so that the American Medical Megalodemon (aka American Medical Association, pharmaceutical industry and insurance companies) can continue raping their citizenry to buy more yachts and multi-million dollar houses. Americans are easily-herded sheep, Canadians have free health care.
11. Size vs. Population: Canada has a land area of 3,855,103 square miles. America has a land mass of 3,794,083 square miles - that means Canada is 1.6% larger than the USA. As of 2010, there were 307,212,123 Americans and 33,487,208 Canadians. What does Canada do with all the extra land? Nobody is exactly sure since no one has ever been to those parts of Canada. (FYI, almost all the lights in the pic are in the US).
12. Birth Rate: Americans have 13.8 babies per 1000 people while Canada has 10.3 babies per 1000 people. Thus, the USA has a 25.3% higher birth rate, which is strange. Canada is COLD, what exactly do Canadians do in the winter if not, ya know?
13. Migrant Rate: Americans are building a gigantic 4000 foot wall around their country replete with a Plexiglas dome, environmental weather controls and computerized 360° monitoring system so that the government can see exactly what kind of butter you put on your toast in the morning. Canadians have a 23.2% higher immigration rate than Americans, yet they understand that much of the labor (excuse me labour) their common citizens won’t do is appreciated by immigrant populations who just want a job.
14. Life Expectancy: Canadians average 81.2 years and Americans 78.1, AND the American life expectancy is dropping while the Canadian is rising - could free health care and less crime be a part of this? Of course not.
15. Pronunciation: Canadians say ‘aboot’ and ‘eh’ every other word and in every sentence all the time continuously without stopping, or that’s what Americans believe anyway. And Americans, well, American movies are all anyone watches so we know how they talk.
16. Inventions: Canada invented the telephone (Alexander Graham Bell), television (Reginald A. Fessenden), the zipper (Gideon Sundback), the music synthesizer (Hugh LeCaine), and basketball (James Naismith). Americans love all those things and have made multi-billion dollar industries out of them.
17. Toques: Canadians wear toques, Americans love hats and think the fact that Canadians all wear toques is funny and rather rustic. Americans learned about toques from the great Canadian comedians Bob and Doug McKenzie in the 1980s, the same place Americans learned everything they ever need to know about Canadian culture.
18. Music Celebrities: Americans made Bryan Adams a millionaire. Canadians have apologized for Bryan Adams numerous times and continue to every time “Summer of 69” is played on the radio. Both countries have lots of good musicians, but usually only Canadians know if a particular musician is Canadian - Americans don’t really care. (Current Canadian God - Michael Buble)
19. Comedy: Per Capita, Canadians basically smoke Americans when it comes to comedy - Chris Farley, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Phil Hartman, Dan Aykroyd, Tom Green, Norm MacDonald, Ryan Reynolds, John Candy, Michael Cera, Michael J. Fox, Seth Rogen, Martin Short.
22. When Travelling: Canadians love flaunting their Canadian-ness wherever they go abroad. They wear maple leafs from head to toe when travelling outside North America so no one will mistake them for Americans. Americans wear maple leafs from head to toe when travelling outside of North America so no one will mistake them for Americans.
24. Shoes Off at the Door: Canadians take off their shoes when entering someone’s house so as not to get mud on the floor (Canada doesn’t have pavement, only mud :). Americans track dirt and mud throughout other people’s homes because they’ve never been taught to remove their shoes or really just don’t care.
25. Girls: Both countries have hot girls who drink alcohol and eat bacon. But Canadian girls hunt bears (polar, black, brown or any other colour you can come up with) with their teeth in minus 40° weather - they are hardcore and will tear off your legs if you argue with them. American girls think teddy bears (pink, blue, green or any other color you can come up with) are cute and prefer indoor heating to frigid tundra. They too will tear off your legs if you argue with them, but will use a nail file instead of their teeth to do it.